


i'd give up forever to touch you

by magequisition



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accident, Brain Injury, Coma, Dreams, M/M, Mysteries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-07 06:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magequisition/pseuds/magequisition
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When artist Castiel Novak falls and hits his head, he's unconscious for two days. When he wakes up, he's fine apart from a broken arm and a concussion, but he starts having dreams which consistently star a man he doesn't recognise. Desperate to find out who the man is, he draws him repeatedly, worrying his siblings Anna and Gabriel, who are afraid he's suffered some sort of brain trauma from the accident. When Castiel starts seeing the man outside of his dreams as well, he starts to worry they might be right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 “Cas?” Anna said, knocking at her twin brother's bathroom door. There was no response, so she knocked again. “Cas?” Still nothing. She tested the handle and, finding it unlocked, entered the room. 

Anna screamed. Cas was lying on the floor beside the shower, blood coming from the side of his head and his arm sitting at an odd angle. “Cas!” Anna exclaimed, rushing to his side and crouching beside him, desperately trying to get her cell phone out of her pocket to call 911. 

*****

Two days later, Anna was sitting beside Castiel's hospital bed, holding the hand that wasn't encased in a cast and dozing in the chair, when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

“Anna, go home. Take a break. I'll sit with him.” It was her next-oldest brother, and the only one she and Castiel had any contact with, Gabriel. Anna rubbed at her eyes and shook her head. 

“No way. I want to be here with him. Get me some coffee, Gabe?” she asked, widening her eyes in the way she knew her older brother couldn't resist. Gabriel sighed. 

“Okay. But if he's not awake by tonight you're going home if I have to pick you up and drive you there myself, you hear me? You have to take care of yourself too, Anna.” Her brother left the room in search of the requested coffee, and Anna turned back to face Castiel's bed again. 

“Hey, Cas...can you hear me? You've gotta wake up okay? Cuz I mean, I can't pay rent without you, and I really don't wanna leave the apartment, you know?” she giggled quietly even as her eyes filled with tears. “No but seriously Cas. You're my twin brother and I need you. Come on. Wake up. Please.” The nurse had told her that there was a chance Castiel could hear her, even though he was unconscious, so she'd been keeping up nearly nonstop chatter of one kind or another ever since. When Cas didn't respond (not that she'd been expecting him to), she dropped his hand and picked up the book that was beside his bed. 

“Want me to read to you, Cas? I got Gabe to bring your favourite book. _Dragonflight._ I thought you might like to hear it again. Even though I think you've read it about fifty times. But anyways,” Anna said. She opened the book and started to read. She'd been reading for about ten minutes when Gabriel came back. 

“Hey, Anna. Got your coffee. I brought you a snack too,” he said, handing her a brownie and a bag of gummy bears. She raised an eyebrow at him. 

“There wasn't any real food?” she asked. 

“This is real food!” Gabriel insisted. 

Anna shot him a half smile. “Thanks, Gabe,” she said quietly. She set the food down on the table next to her and took the coffee cup from him gratefully. She took a sip before she set it down as well, and then she stood up. 

“I really hate to do this, but I need to use the bathroom. Can you sit with him for a sec?” 

“Yeah, of course. I was trying to kick you out, wasn't I?” Gabriel asked with a wink. Anna rolled her eyes at him and headed into the bathroom, grateful they had insurance that allowed Cas to have a private room as it meant he had his own washroom. She was almost finished when she heard Gabriel's voice. 

“Cas? Cas? Hey! Hey, little bro!” 

Anna stood up quickly and washed her hands as fast as she could before dashing out of the room. Castiel was blinking slowly, looking extremely confused. Just as Anna came out of the room, Castiel's nurse came in. 

“Castiel! You're awake!” she said cheerfully, hurrying to his bedside. “Let's get some vitals taken here,” she said, bustling around his bed. Gabriel pulled Anna back out of the way, hugging her tightly. 

“See, kiddo?” he said to his sister. “I told you Cas'd be okay.” He was unable to hide the note of relief in his voice. 

“Don't call me kiddo, Gabe,” Anna replied, turning in her brother's arms and hugging him tightly, burying her face in his chest. “I'm 28 for crying out loud.” 

“Yeah, but I'm still older than you,” Gabriel said lightly. Anna groaned into his chest. 

“Right then!” the nurse said brightly. “Things look pretty good here so far. I'm going to send in Dr. Winchester. You sit tight with your siblings, okay Castiel?” Cas nodded. When the nurse left, he looked at Anna and Gabriel. 

“You guys...what's going on?” he asked, confusion clear on his face and tears welling up in his eyes. Anna moved to sit beside his bed again. 

“I'm not totally sure, Cas, but I think you slipped getting out of the shower or something,” she said. “I got home and couldn't find you. I went into your bathroom and I found you on the floor. You've got a broken arm and you hit your head on something. It was bleeding, although that was pretty minor, but you were out cold for two days.” She grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. “I'm so glad you're okay, Cas. I was so scared.” 

Castiel gave her a small smile. “I'm sorry to have worried you,” he said quietly. 

Anna rolled her eyes. “Oh, please don't, it's not like it's your fault. I'm just...really happy you're okay.” She squeezed his hand again as the doctor walked in. 

“Castiel!” he said, a wide smile crossing his face. “Nice to see your eyes open. Let's have a look at you.” Anna backed away from the bed to give the doctor room to work, and as she did, Gabriel grabbed her hand and tugged her clear to the other side of the room. 

“Who is _that_ moose of a man?” he whispered, his eyes clearly on the tall doctor's ass. 

Anna rolled her eyes at him. “Oh no, don't start. You are _not_ hitting on Cas' doctor.” 

“Who, me?” Gabriel asked, blinking innocently. “I'm just inquiring as to who the gentleman is that is taking care of my most beloved baby brother.” 

Anna sighed, clearly not believing Gabriel for a second but too tired to argue with him. “His name's Dr. Sam Winchester. He's fresh out of med school but he's been great so far. And...that's really all I know. We haven't exactly been having deep personal chats, you know.” 

“And why not, I ask you...” Gabriel said, his voice trailing off as he watched the doctor examining their brother. 

Anna rolled her eyes again. “You're impossible, you know that?” she asked. 

“Keep rolling your eyes and they'll stay like that,” Gabriel said, ignoring her question. Anna shook her head at him as the doctor walked towards them. 

“Well, I'm really happy to tell you guys that Castiel seems to be doing well, all things considered. I want to keep him here a couple more days, just to make sure he's healing up right, but things are looking good and he should be able to go home then. His test results are coming back good and his memory seems to be okay, but if you guys notice his personality or anything being off, let me know, all right? As long as everything keeps up the way it is, though, he'll be home in two days.” He smiled and nodded at them before turning to leave the room. As he passed through the door way, Gabriel stage-whispered to Anna, 

“Excuse me, darling sister. I need to ask the good doctor a few questions about our brother's condition,” and he swooped out of the room, following close behind the doctor. 

“Where's Gabe going?” Cas asked as Anna returned to sit beside his bed again. 

“He's hitting on your doctor, no doubt,” she said with a laugh. 

Castiel smiled. “Figures,” he said. 

*****

Two days later, Anna was walking Castiel out of the hospital, a wide smile on her face. 

“Thanks, Dr. Winchester,” she said gratefully as they left. 

“My pleasure, Anna. And Castiel, let's hope I don't see you again anytime soon, okay?” he said with a smile. 

“I most certainly hope I will not, doctor, although it's been very nice to know you,” Castiel replied, waving with his cast-encased hand since he couldn't extract his good arm from Anna's grasp. He turned to his sister. “Anna, I can walk, you know. You don't have to cling to me.” His voice was vaguely irritated. 

“Nope, but I want to,” she said. “Come on, Cas. Let me take care of you a little, okay?” 

Castiel sighed and leaned over to kiss his sister on the cheek. “Fine. But only for a day or two,” he said, smiling at her fondly. 

“My car's over this way,” she said, gesturing with her head. It was only a short walk, and they were soon in Anna's small blue car and headed towards the apartment they shared. 

Half an hour later they were home, and Anna had set Castiel up on the couch with a pile of books and the TV remote. 

“Do you want some tea?” she asked him. “I was thinking of making some.” 

“That would be good. Thanks, Anna,” he said. Anna headed into the kitchen, a smile on her face. 

She emerged ten minutes later with two steaming cups in hand, only to find Castiel fast asleep on the couch. She smiled at him fondly and tugged a knitted blanket over him after setting his tea down on the end table, kissing him softly on the forehead before heading into her room to read, not wanting to disturb his rest. 

*****

Castiel awoke suddenly two hours later and sat up quickly. Ignoring the faint spinning in his head from the abrupt position change, he reached over to grab the sketchpad and pencil case he kept on the coffee table. He pulled out a pencil and quickly began to draw. Five minutes later he had a rough sketch. 

Short hair, fine features, full lips. He pulled out a pencil crayon and began to fill in the eyes, one of the man's most striking features. They were bright green. Castiel's stomach twisted slightly as he looked at the man in his drawing, the one he'd seen in his dream. The one he remembered seeing during the time he now knew he'd been unconscious in the hospital.

“Who are you?” he whispered softly to the paper. 


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next week, Castiel saw the man nearly every time he slept. He drew him almost constantly, at every possible angle and in every outfit he saw in his dreams. Not that there was a lot of variety; the man seemed fond of jeans and black t-shirts, under either solid or plaid button up shirts. Occasionally, if the weather in the dream was cold or raining, he would wear a soft-looking leather jacket over top of his other layers. 

“Are you sure you don't recognise him?” Castiel asked Anna anxiously, for about the thousandth time one day. 

“No, Cas. I've never seen him,” Anna replied. “Look...maybe we should get out and do something. You want to go out for lunch today?” 

Cas shook his head. “Thanks, Anna, but no. I'm still tired, I don't want to go out yet.” 

Anna sighed. “Are you sure?” Cas nodded. “Okay, Cas. Well, whenever you're ready and want to go out. I'm gonna go to work early. You gonna be okay?” 

“Of course I am, Anna. I'm not a child,” Cas said irritably. 

Anna closed her eyes and took a deep breath. _Patience,_ she thought to herself. “I know, Cas. I just worry. It's a Friday so the restaurant is going to be packed, but give Gabe a call if you need anything, okay? He told me he didn't have any plans tonight. Maybe get him to come over, you guys can watch a movie or something.” 

Cas shrugged. “Yeah, maybe. I'll see. Is there still some of that leftover pasta in the fridge?” 

“Yeah, there should be. I think we're out of bread to go with it, though,” Anna said regretfully. 

“Eh, that's no big deal. The pasta's good on its own, I'll have that for dinner. Are you closing the restaurant tonight?” 

“Yeah, so I'll be home late. Don't worry about waiting up, just go to bed whenever you're tired, okay?” Anna said. She hated how Cas always felt like he needed to wait up for her when she worked late. 

“I will. But I'll leave my cell on, so call me if you need me. Be safe coming home, Anna,” he said seriously. 

Anna smiled and ran her fingers through her twin's hair. “I'm always careful, Cas. But I'll be fine, don't worry. It's not like I'm walking or anything, I'll have the car.” 

“I know,” Cas said, smiling sheepishly. “I just worry about you. Can't I worry about my sister?” 

“'Course you can,” Anna said, smiling. “I'll see you in the morning, okay?” Cas lifted a hand and waved, staring intently at his sketchbook again. 

As Anna left the house, she pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, dialling it as she shut the door. It rang twice before a familiar voice answered. 

_“Helloooo?”_

“Gabe. Look, are you still free tonight?” she asked hopefully. 

_“Not sure, sis. What's up?”_

“I'm getting really worried about Cas. He's still obsessing about that guy in his dream. There are drawings of him all over the apartment. If you get a chance, could you stop by and try to get him to do something else for a while? Anything else. I don't even care if he leaves the apartment. I just need him to think about something else.” Anna heard Gabriel sigh heavily on the other end. 

_“He's still on that, huh? Yeah, I can come over for a while and try to distract the squirt. Dr. Sexy from the hospital might be calling me tonight, but he's working until at least nine.”_

“I still can't believe you successfully hit on our brother's doctor,” Anna said. 

_“Hey, he was already cured by the time I started hitting on the doc, and he wasn't my doctor, so it's not really an ethical issue...”_ Gabriel's voice was cheerful as he calmly explained away his grey morality. 

“Just come by and see Cas, okay? I've gotta go, I'm on my way to work. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Text me if anything really weird happens.” 

_“Yeah, yeah. Gotcha sis. Catchya later.”_ Gabriel hung up before Anna could respond. She rolled her eyes and stuffed her phone back in her pocket before walking quickly to her car and driving off. 

*****

Cas was just putting his dinner dishes in the sink when he heard a knock on the door. Drying his damp hand on a dish towel (he could not _wait_ to get the stupid cast off, it was so inconvenient) he walked over to the door and pulled it open. 

“Hiya little bro!” 

“Oh, hello Gabriel,” Castiel said. “What brings you here?” he sighed. “Anna didn't send you, did she? She worries too much.” 

Sensing that now was the time to lie through his teeth, Gabriel scoffed. “Of course I'm not here because Anna sent me. Can't I hang out with my little brother?” 

Castiel raised an eyebrow at him. “You're not a very good liar when you don't plan it in advance. I know you've been flirting with Dr. Winchester, I'm sure you had a date or something tonight.” He stepped back from the door to allow Gabriel entry. 

“Oh come on, Cas, I'm a great liar!” Gabriel said, shooting his younger brother what he hoped was a winning smile and avoiding the topic of the doctor entirely. 

“Not helping, Gabe,” Cas said. “Regardless, you're here. What would you like to do?” he asked, closing the door as Gabriel pulled off his shoes and coat. 

“I didn't have anything planned. We could watch TV or something,” Gabriel said. 

Castiel shrugged as they started into the living room. “There's not usually anything interesting on, but I suppose we could look. Oh, but first, I just want you to look at my drawings one more time. Just to see if maybe this guy's face rings a bell for you.” 

Gabriel sighed. “Cas...” he started. Cas held up a hand to stop him. 

“Don't, Gabriel. Please. I've already been getting _the talk_ on a daily basis from Anna. _It's not healthy, Cas, focus on something else, he's nobody Cas..._ ” he said, raising the pitch of his voice as he imitated his sister. “I really don't need it from you, too.” When they reached the living room, he leaned over the table and picked up one of the portraits he'd drawn earlier that day. Holding it towards his brother, he said: “ring any bells?” 

Gabriel took the drawing reluctantly and stared at it for a moment before shoving it back towards Cas. “Nope. Don't know him. Now come on, Cas, put the sketchbook away. Please. Let's watch something.” Castiel's face fell and he set the sketchpad aside slowly. 

“Fine,” he muttered, slumping down onto the couch. Gabriel sighed, knowing that fighting his younger brother in a stubborn mood was a battle he would eternally lose. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV, slowly flicking through the channels as he tried to find something they could agree upon. 

*****

At nine, Gabriel finally arrived back at his own apartment. He'd spent three hours with Castiel and they'd finally decided on some old science fiction movies that one of the channels was marathoning (Gabriel had suggested Casa Erotica, but Cas had shot him down, insisting that _you don't watch porn in a room full of dudes_ to which Gabriel had scoffed and told him he was a prude), but Gabriel had had to smack Castiel's hand away from his sketchbook more than once. He sank down on his couch. Just as he was stretching into a comfortable position, his phone rang. 

“Hello?” he said, grabbing it off the coffee table. 

_“Hey, Gabe.”_

“Well, well. Hey there, Dr. Sexy. That was quick, didn't you just get off shift? Couldn't wait to talk to me, huh?” Gabriel said flirtatiously. 

_“Shut up.”_ There was a smile in Sam's voice. _“Look, I was wondering...what're you up to tomorrow night?”_

“Haven't a clue. Why? You have a suggestion?” 

_“I do, actually. You. Me. Dinner. My place. I'll cook.”_

“Why, Dr. Winchester. Are you actually asking me on an official date?” 

_“Keep teasing me and I'll tell you no,”_ Sam said with no hint of an actual threat. 

“What time should I be there?” Gabriel said quickly. He may have known Sam was kidding, but he also wasn't going to push his luck. 

“ _Seven. Allergies?”_

“Maybe I'll lie so you have to give me mouth-to-mouth, Doc,” Gabriel chuckled. 

_“Smartass.”_

“You love it. No, I'm not allergic to anything. Hate peas, though.” 

_“Well there goes my plans. It was going to be all peas all night.”_

“Asshole.”

_“Yeah well, you love it too. After all, takes one to know one and we know how fond you are of yourself.”_

Gabriel laughed loudly. “Touche,” he said, smiling fondly at the phone. “Drive home safe, okay kiddo?” He could almost hear the eyeroll on the other end of the phone. 

“ _That nickname is not going to get you laid. See you tomorrow night, Gabe.”_

Just like that, the call was done. Gabriel couldn't help but hope that Sam's comment about the nickname meant there was actually a chance of him getting laid the following night; he'd had too many dates with his right hand recently and was really looking forward to ending that particular relationship. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late with this - so sorry! Between finals and the fact that I have a friend staying with me, it totally slipped my mind. Hopefully you'll enjoy it enough to forgive me. ;)

Two weeks after his release from the hospital, Cas had still not left the house, and he still spent a large majority of his time sketching the man from his dreams. He was in the middle of one of his sketches when Anna came up behind him. 

“Cas, c'mon. Doctor's appointment today.” 

Cas scrunched up his face. “I don't remember having a checkup scheduled. My cast isn't due off for at least three more weeks.” 

Anna shrugged. “When you were checking out, we were told to bring you in in a couple of weeks. I dunno. But come on. We've gotta go. Your appointment's in twenty minutes.” Cas rolled his eyes but set the sketchpad aside and stood up, heading to the closet to get out his shoes and coat before following Anna to the car. 

They'd been driving for about five minutes when Cas looked at Anna suspiciously. 

“This isn't the way to Dr. Winchester's office,” he said. Anna kept her eyes straight forward, not responding to his statement. “Anna, where are we going?” 

“The doctor's office, Cas, like I said,” Anna said as she signalled to turn into a parking lot. Cas looked up at the sign on the building. _Dr. B. Milton, Psychiatrist._

 _“_ A psychiatrist, Anna? You have got to be shitting me,” Cas said indignantly. “I'm fine!” 

“Cas, you haven't left the house in two weeks. You keep drawing this mystery man – you won't stop. You're obsessed. I just want you to talk to the doctor. Just once. If he says you're fine, I'll drop it. Okay?” 

Castiel sighed heavily. “Fine. Only because I love you and I will be telling him I'm doing this under extreme duress.” 

Anna smiled. “Deal. Thank you, Cas. I really am only doing this because I worry, you know.” Cas nodded, his displeasure clear on his face. 

They were thankful when there wasn't much of a wait. It was only five minutes past Castiel's scheduled appointment time when he was called in. Anna went with him. They entered the office to find a couple of comfortable looking armchairs in front of a desk. There was a blonde man sitting behind the desk, writing something in what looked like a journal. He set the book down and looked up as they closed the door, a wide smile crossing his face. 

“Well hello there. You must be Castiel. And this lovely young lady is...” he said, extending his hand to shake Castiel's. 

“This is Anna, my sister. You or your secretary must have spoken to her on the phone, because I certainly didn't make this appointment,” Cas said sullenly as he shook the doctor's hand. 

“Ah, yes, of course. Anna. I remember your call.” He released Castiel's hand and shook Anna's. “Please, both of you have a seat.” 

Anna smiled brightly. “Thank you, Dr. Milton. It's nice to meet you.” 

“Please, call me Balthazar. Most do,” the British doctor said, his blue eyes bright. He sat back down behind his desk. “So, what can I help you with?” 

Anna looked pointedly at Castiel, who rolled his eyes before he answered. “Well, my sister made the appointment for me – and I feel it necessary to point out that I feel it is unwarranted – because since my fall a few weeks ago, I have been having recurring dreams and have been drawing the person who shows up in them. She is concerned and thinks this shows some sort of problem with my mental state.” 

“Wow, way to understate it, Cas,” Anna said, glaring at her brother. Turning back to Balthazar, she added, “Cas has been drawing this guy constantly. It's always the same guy, and he can't stop asking our brother, Gabriel, and me if we know who he is. This appointment is the first time he's left the house in two weeks, and if he's not eating, sleeping, or being forced to do something else, he's drawing this guy. It's an obsession. And yeah, I'm worried. I mean, Cas has always been kind of a homebody, the artist mentality and all that. But he'd go out sometimes, even if it was just to draw at the park or something. And he's never focused so intently on a single subject before,” she looked back at Cas, the worry evident on her face. “Could hitting his head when he fell have...I dunno, messed something up in his brain?” 

Balthazar inclined his head slightly. “We won't draw any conclusions just yet. Anna, would you be so kind as to allow me to speak to your brother alone for a few minutes? I'll have him call you when we're ready for you to come back.” 

Anna nodded and stood. “Cooperate, you ass,” she hissed in Castiel's ear as she turned to leave the office. When the door was closed behind her, Balthazar turned back to Castiel. 

“So, you don't want to be here,” he said. 

“Nope,” Castiel replied. 

“Well, Castiel, you may need some help and you may not, but I can't know that unless you'll answer at least a few of my questions. So, if you'd like to prove your sister wrong, I'd suggest you cooperate. For today at least.” 

Castiel couldn't deny that he appreciated the way the psychiatrist cut straight to the point, so he reluctantly nodded his agreement. “Fine. Go ahead.” 

“What have your dreams been about, generally?” Balthazar asked. 

Castiel shrugged. “Anything, really. The only common factor is that this guy is there. Sometimes I just see him and he's not actually involved in anything that's happening. Sometimes he's an integral part of the dream and I'm interacting with him. But he's always there. The dream itself isn't typically the same.” 

Balthazar nodded, writing something down in his book. “Okay. Do you recognise him from anywhere? Does he even vaguely look like anyone you know?” 

“No. Believe me, if I knew him from somewhere, I'd remember. He's...very striking.” Cas tried not to smile as he thought of the man's green eyes and fine features. “No, I don't know him. Nobody seems to,” he said wistfully. 

Balthazar nodded again (Cas was starting to get really sick of the nodding; it seemed downright condescending, but he wasn't going to say anything. The guy could nod all he wanted if it got Cas out of there faster) and continued taking notes in his book. “How often do you dream of him, would you say?” 

“Pretty much every time I sleep, so, every night, and maybe once a day if I take a nap. I've been tired more often since the accident.” 

“Yes, that's common. Okay. Well Castiel, there could be something to worry about here, or it could be nothing. So here's what I propose we do. For a week, I want you to write down your dreams. As much detail as you can remember. Come back to talk to me again in a week, and we'll go over the dreams. Additionally, I'd like you to go outside at least once per day. Can you do that?” 

Castiel sighed. “I guess. If I have to.” 

“You don't _have_ to do anything, Castiel. However, if you care about your mental health, or, probably more accurately in your case, if you'd like to get your sister off your back, that is my recommendation.” 

“Fine. Okay. I'll do it. Dream journal, go outside. Does that cover it?” Cas asked irritably. 

“Yes. That will be fine. Could you call your sister back in, please?” Cas stood up and opened the door, motioning for Anna to come back in. She was by his side in seconds. 

“So, doctor... I mean, Balthazar. Is Cas okay?” she asked as she shut the door. 

“I'm still assessing your brother, Anna. I'm having him journal his dreams for a week, and he has been tasked with going outside at least once a day. Do you think you can help him achieve that?” Balthazar asked. “He needs to come see me again after the week is up and we'll re-assess then. Without knowing the content of the dreams, it's difficult to say if they're something to be concerned about.” 

Anna nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, I can help him. I'll make sure he does as you say.” Cas rolled his eyes, and Balthazar laughed. 

“Glad to hear it. Now, please stop by the desk on the way out and make your appointment for next week. I'll see you then.” He smiled and turned towards his computer, clearly dismissing them. Anna and Castiel left the office, stopping on their way through to make another appointment as commanded. As they stepped out into the sun, Anna turned to Cas. 

“That wasn't so bad, was it?” 

Cas rolled his eyes. “No. But I swear, Anna, if this becomes more than a two-appointment thing...” he trailed off. 

“What? You'll hate me forever?” Anna asked sarcastically. “Come on, Cas, your threats are empty and we both know it.” Cas mumbled crankily to himself and Anna grinned, linking her arm around her brother's elbow. “C'mon, grouchy. Let's get some lunch. I'm hungry.” They walked back to the car and Anna drove them to the restaurant she worked at. They were seated by one of her coworkers and, just as she left them alone at the table with their menus, Cas saw a familiar face just at the edge of his vision. His head whipped around, but nobody at the nearby tables looked familiar. He looked further around behind himself, craning his neck to see, but there was nobody he recognised. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, dropping his eyes back to the menu. He could feel Anna's gaze on him, but he refused to look up and she didn't speak. 

*****

They went home right after lunch, Cas insisting he was too tired to be out any more that day. 

“Going out for lunch counts as my outing for today, Anna,” he insisted. “I just want to go home and have a nap. Please. My arm is sore.” 

Anna sighed and turned the car in the direction of their house. “Cas...back at the restaurant...” she started to say. 

“Don't, Anna. Please.” Cas' voice was pleading. 

“It looked like you were looking for someone,” Anna finished. 

Cas shook his head. “I just...I thought I saw someone. I was wrong.” 

“Who?” Anna asked. 

“Nobody, Anna. Just an acquaintance. But turns out I just saw someone with the same colour hair. It was just in my peripheral vision, it was an easy mistake to make,” Cas said, his tone indicating he didn't intend to answer any more questions on the matter. Anna sighed again, very aware of her brother's lies but not wanting to push him too hard and have him stop talking altogether. They drove the rest of the way home in silence, and as soon as they arrived, Cas kicked off his shoes and headed for his bedroom. 

When he got to his room, he collapsed backwards onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. There was no way he was going to tell Anna he thought he'd seen the man from his dreams. She already thought he was crazy; the trip to the shrink had proven that. He'd been wrong, anyways. But for a minute, he'd been absolutely convinced that the man he'd been seeing in his mind and drawing incessantly for the last two weeks had been sitting only two tables over. He dropped a pillow onto his head and groaned. 

_They were in a forest, walking. It was calm and clear, and a faint breeze whistled through the trees._

_“I'm glad you're here,” Cas said._

_“Me too,” he said, and when he smiled the corners of his eyes crinkled. Cas smiled and took his hand, entwining their fingers together, and he looked at Cas with so much adoration in his face that Cas didn't know what to do. So Cas stopped walking, leaned forward, and kissed him. Their lips brushed together slowly, gently at first, but soon his hands came up behind Cas' neck, cupping his head gently, and they deepened the kiss as Cas' hands stroked lightly along his sides. Their tongues explored each other's mouths slowly. Cas' hands slid along his hips, tugging him closer -_

“Cas!” Anna shouted, knocking loudly on his bedroom door. Cas sat up suddenly, his breathing uneven, panicking until he realised Anna was still outside. 

“What do you want, Anna?” he asked, suddenly painfully aware of the tightness in his pants. 

“Dinner's ready,” she said, quieter this time. 

“I'll be out soon. I'm not really hungry yet,” Cas said, hoping to buy some time to take care of himself before having to go out and face his sister. 

“I made chicken caesar salad. It'll hold. Just make sure you do come out to eat at some point, okay?” 

“Yeah, sure. Be out soon, Anna,” he said. “Just woke up. Let me get more conscious.” _And less horny,_ he thought. That had certainly been a new aspect to the dreams. They'd spoken before, spent time together, and Cas had certainly found him (he really needed to find out his name) attractive, but they'd never become intimate before. Pulling open the button and zipper of his pants as he lay back, he slipped a hand inside them to pull himself free, sighing in relief at the contact. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry that this is several days late. I had finals and then I was out of town for a couple of days for a convention and I couldn't write. But I'm back now. This chapter is sadly unbeta'd, my beta is in the midst of studying for her last final and I don't want to interrupt her. So, my apologies for the vast array of mistakes I'm SURE are present, and also for the short length but I really wanted to get this posted for you.

 Cas picked at his salad idly as Anna watched him. 

“Dinner okay?” she asked, concern in her voice. 

“Yeah, great. Thanks, Anna,” Cas said distractedly. “Sorry. Still a little groggy, I guess.” In truth, he was actually trying to decide exactly how much of the dream he was going to have to report back to Balthazar in that stupid dream journal he was supposed to keep. He wasn't exactly in the closet, but the last thing he needed was for the shrink to start going all Freudian on him. Feeling his sister's eyes still on him, he looked up at her again. “Seriously, I'm fine. Relax, okay?” he insisted. 

Anna sighed. “I'm just worried about you, Cas,” she said. 

Castiel forced a smile. “Yeah. I know. But just...don't. I'm a grownup, Anna, I can take care of myself.” 

Anna rolled her eyes and stood up, picking up her dishes. “Yeah, okay, Cas,” she said, irritation evident in her voice. “I was just trying to help.” She left the room in a huff, causing Cas to close his eyes and sigh deeply. He loved his twin more than life itself, but her mother-hen instincts drove him crazy. He finished his salad and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher before heading back to his bedroom, dreading writing out that afternoon's dream in the notebook he'd decided to devote to the dream journal Balthazar was making him keep. 

*****

The next day was unseasonably warm, so Castiel put on his favourite jeans and his blue X-Men t-shirt to go on his daily prescribed outing. He grabbed his sketchbook and pencil case and walked towards the door. 

“Anna, I'm going to the park,” he shouted as he pulled on his running shoes without untying them first. “I'll be back in an hour or so.” 

“Can you pick up some milk on your way home? We're out,” Anna called back. 

Castiel sighed. “Yeah, okay. See you in a bit.” 

“Bye, Cas. Have fun!” Castiel rolled his eyes at his sister's words. He really had no desire to leave, but he was even less in the mood for one of Anna's lectures. 

The park wasn't far, only a ten minute walk from their apartment, and Castiel arrived there quickly. He wandered around for a few minutes before finding a tree he could sit against. He opened his sketchbook and began to draw, trying to focus his mind away from the dream he'd had the night before (it was _him_ again, and touching had become kissing and kissing had become – no Cas stop it stop it _stop it_ ) and onto the scenery in front of him. The lake unfolded beneath his pencil, followed by the mountains which backed it and the dock in the foreground. Then there were broad shoulders, a lean torso, the curve of a naked ass on the dock and gesturing for Cas to join him. Cas' eyes snapped up from the sketchbook to stare at the actually empty dock and he slammed the book shut and tossed it to the side. He sighed and tipped his head back against the tree, closing his eyes. He breathed deeply for several minutes, fighting to clear his mind. When he thought he'd partially succeeded, he opened his eyes again and tipped his head straight, reaching behind his neck with one hand to rub at the stiff base of it. As he lowered his hand again, he noticed someone walking near the edge of the lake. He was tall, with sandy brown hair. He was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt that clung to his torso. 

_Shit._

Cas sat up quickly and, leaving his sketchbook abandoned on the grass, walked towards the water. 

“Um. Excuse me,” he said, cautiously but loud enough that he thought the man should be able to hear him. The man's head turned from where he'd been looking at the water and Castiel met piercing green eyes which widened at the sight of him. 

Then the man was gone. Literally gone; he hadn't walked away, he'd simply vanished into thin air. Castiel felt his hands start to shake. 

“What in the _hell_ is going on?” he murmured to himself, willing his voice not to waver. 

*****

The rest of the week passed and while Castiel did not see the man again, he continued to appear in Castiel's dreams, to varying levels of explicitness. When the day of his second appointment with Balthazar arrived, he gathered his sketchbook and dream journal anxiously before leaving the house, insisting to Anna that he could go alone. 

“You made me do this. The least you can do is trust me to go alone,” he snapped. Anna raised her hands defensively, palms facing out. 

“Fine, Cas. Fine. I won't take you.” 

“Thank you, Anna,” he said. He had no intention of skipping out on the appointment anyways. The two sightings he'd had of the man in real life had shaken him to his core and he suddenly felt like talking to Balthazar might not be such a bad thing after all. He left the house without his jacket (it was another warm day) and climbed into his car to drive to the psychiatrist's office.

Cas sat down in Balthazar's office, grateful that the doctor seemed very efficient at starting and ending appointments on time. 

“Hello there, Castiel,” he said pleasantly. “How are you doing today? Did that lovely sister of yours join you this week?” 

Castiel shook his head. “I'm okay, thank you Doctor. No, Anna didn't come with me. I told her I preferred to come alone this time.” 

“Pity, though I'm glad you're doing well enough to come on your own. And didn't I tell you to call me Balthazar?” 

“Of course. I'm sorry, Balthazar. And yes, I'm functioning, for the most part,” Castiel said. 

“The most part?” Balthazar lifted an eyebrow and picked up his pencil. “Please do elaborate.” Castiel took a deep breath and began to explain the past week to Balthazar: the dreams, the hallucinations (they had to be hallucinations, right?) the preoccupation. Balthazar listened closely, taking notes, nodding, and occasionally making a soft “hmmm”ing noise. When Castiel finished his description of the past week, Balthazar set down his pencil and sat quietly for a moment, clearly thinking as he looked over his notes. Soon he began to rifle through the papers on his desk, selecting a few from the pile and handing them to Castiel. 

“These are some mental health surveys I'd like you to fill out, Castiel. They're nothing complicated; they'll simply give me a baseline from which to go on for diagnosing and treating you. I think, if you're amenable, we'll attempt a drug-free treatment course to begin with, and focus on counselling. It may be that that alone will be enough. What do you think?” 

Castiel nodded. “I'd prefer that, if you think my condition is treatable that way. I don't enjoy taking medications, I even avoid Tylenol when I have a headache.” 

Balthazar shrugged slightly. “Well, again, I won't be diagnosing you properly until I have those baseline surveys from you. But from the way you present yourself and the things you describe to me, I feel it's entirely possible that we can treat you through regular counselling. Why don't we increase your visits to twice a week. Come back on Friday, I know I have some free appointments that day. Keep up with your dream journal and your daily outings, and fill out those surveys for me. We'll touch base again on Friday and work out a more comprehensive treatment plan then.” 

Castiel nodded again, sighing in relief. “Thank you, Balthazar. That sounds acceptable. I would just really like to know what is happening. I don't like to admit it, but I'm starting to feel frightened.” 

Balthazar's face softened. “That's understandable, Castiel. Don't worry. We'll get you through this.” 

Castiel took a deep breath and swallowed hard. “I hope so. Is that all for today, then?” 

Balthazar nodded. “See Charlie at the front desk to make your appointment for Friday before you go, okay? See you then.” Castiel waved in response and left the room quickly, stopping to make his next appointment before leaving the office building and returning to the car. He slid into the driver's seat and closed the door, dropping his forehead to the steering wheel and sighing heavily before sitting up straight again and turning the key in the ignition.

*****

The next day found Castiel more cheerful than he had been in awhile. He'd gone into the hospital to have his arm checked, and left with his cast removed. 

“It's almost a miracle how quickly you healed up,” Dr. Winchester said, “but it looks great, Castiel. Congratulations, you have full use of your arms again and the freedom to shower as you choose.” 

Castiel laughed. “Thanks, Sam.” 

“No problem. Let's not see you in here again too soon, okay?” Sam said. 

“I'll do my best. I'd certainly like to avoid any more trips here,” Castiel replied. He stood up and walked towards the door before turning to face the doctor again. “Oh, by the way. Gabriel said he'd kill me if I didn't find out what time you were off shift tonight, because he's an idiot and lost the paper he wrote your schedule down on.” 

“Let me guess, he only actually said the first half of that,” Sam said with a wink. The left corner of Castiel's mouth quirked up in a small grin. “Tell him I'm off at ten. I'll be home by ten-thirty and he can call anytime after that.” 

Castiel nodded. “Thanks. I'll let him know. See you later, Sam.” 

“Bye, Castiel,” Sam said. 

Cheered by the removal of his cast, Castiel decided to go to the park again before heading home. He sent a quick text message to Anna to let her know what he was doing and then one to Gabriel to let him know when Sam was going to be off that night before sliding into the car and driving to the park. He went back to his favourite spot by the lake and sat down on the grass, trying to let his mind wander. It landed, as it always did, on the unknown man from his dreams. He smiled as he remembered his dream from the night before. He'd been walking with the man, whose name he still didn't know, in a park. It wasn't the park he was currently sitting in, but one he didn't recognise. They were walking hand in hand along a wooded path. They said nothing but would occasionally look towards one another and smile. After a long walk, bringing them deep into the woods, they'd stopped walking and started kissing before making love right there. Castiel felt a blush rise to his cheeks as he remembered the longing he'd woken up with, the desire for that and so much more. He stretched out on the grass and closed his eyes, crossing his arms behind his head. He lay there for several minutes before a shadow passed over his face and he opened his eyes. 

His surprise at the shadow was nothing compared to his surprise at the sight in front of him. Standing over him was the man from his dreams. He who'd continually disappeared whenever Castiel had managed to spot him in reality. Castiel's mouth dropped open and he sat bolt upright, expecting his movement to, as always, cause the man to vanish. 

He remained. 

“Hey, Castiel,” the man said quietly. His voice was deeper than Castiel had expected, but pleasant. “Sorry if I've been spooking you. My name is Dean. I've been trying to find you for a long time.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. I have a million reasons and I swear they're good ones, but I won't bore you. Hopefully the chapter doesn't disappoint. If you've been holding out for me, thank you. I really appreciate you being so patient with me.

 “I...I mean you...you're here,” Cas stammered. 

Dean chuckled. “Yeah. Finally,” he said with a smirk. “Had a hell of a time doing it, too. Was touch and go for awhile there.” 

Castiel stared at him, blinking. “Are you a ghost?” his voice came out as a whisper. 

Dean smiled and shook his head. “No, although I can see how you'd gain that impression. What I am is really not important right now, Cas,” he extended a hand, offering it to Castiel to help him stand. “But I'm here, and I wanted to say hello to you for real this time.” 

“For real?” Castiel asked, embarrassed by the way his normally-raspy voice squeaked on the second word. 

Dean looked down at his feet and shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, well, you know...outside of...dreams. You know.” 

Castiel stared at him. “Those dreams...they were...” he trailed off. 

“Me trying to contact you, yeah,” Dean said. “I couldn't manifest properly on earth right away. I needed time. But I also, well, needed to see you.” He chuckled again and blushed slightly. Castiel looked at him suspiciously. 

“What are you?” 

Dean bit his lip. “That's not really important,” he said slowly. 

“Actually, it kind of is. I'm in therapy from seeing you in my dreams so often. My family thinks I'm nuts. If nothing else, I deserve to know who and what you are, Dean,” Castiel snapped. “How are you getting into my dreams? What do you want with me?” His voice was taking on a note of panic as he spoke to the other man. 

Dean took a deep breath. “Cas...Castiel. I don't think you'd believe me even if I told you. But I don't mean you any harm. You can believe that, right? I mean, i haven't done anything that would indicate danger yet, have I?” 

Castiel stepped back, leaning against a tree. “No. But you could be leading me into a false sense of security. You magically manifest out of thin air, after being in my dreams when I've never seen you before, occasionally _disappearing_ back into thin air, and I'm just supposed to accept that and not ask any questions? Are you serious?” He turned around. “Sorry. Not happening,” he added over his shoulder as he walked quickly away. He could hear Dean calling to him from behind, his voice getting quieter as Castiel moved further and further away. 

*****

Castiel didn't see Dean again for a few days. Friday arrived and Castiel hurried to his appointment with Balthazar. Desperate for some kind of insight into what had happened at the park, he squirmed anxiously in his seat as he waited for his appointment time. When he was finally called in, he rushed into the room, sitting down and fidgeting until Balthazar was ready for him. 

“Hello, Castiel. You're eager today, I see,” the doctor said. 

“I saw him. I talked to him,” Castiel blurted out. 

“To whom?” Balthazar asked, sitting up straighter and getting ready to mark down notes in his book. 

“Dean. That's his name. The guy from my dreams. Dean. He was actually there, he was real, he said he had been coming into my dreams because he needed to talk to me but he couldn't manifest on Earth right away. I don't understand that reference. He said he wasn't a ghost and he certainly seemed solid, but...” Castiel trailed off for a moment before looking up at Balthazar with tears beginning to form in his eyes. “I'm losing it, Balthazar, aren't I? I'm really afraid I'm completely losing it.” His breath was coming in rapid bursts now, and he felt completely unable to control it. 

Balthazar reached out and rest a hand on Castiel's forearm, which was sitting on his desk. “Castiel. I'm certain you're not 'losing it', as you say. There must be an explanation for this. Take a deep breath, please. I assure you we will work through this.” Castiel shook his head and tried to breathe deeply, finding it difficult to breathe with his chest as tight as it was. He put his elbows up on Balthazar's desk and rest his face in his palms, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes to try and stem the tears that were still pooling in them. 

“Now. You say he told you his name was Dean?” Balthazar asked. Castiel nodded. “Did he tell you a last name?” 

Castiel shook his head. “No. Just Dean, that was all. He said his name was Dean and he'd been trying to find me for awhile, that he'd been coming into my dreams to contact me.” 

“I see,” Balthazar said, making a note on the paper in front of him. “Did you ask him to elaborate?” 

“Of course I did,” Castiel said, rolling his eyes. “He wouldn't. He said it wasn't important. I asked if he was a ghost and he said no, but that what he was wasn't important and all that mattered was that he was here. Which is ridiculous. If he's here, he must be human, right? Either that or I'm absolutely mental, which I guess isn't beyond the realm of possibility.” 

“Have you seen him since that first encounter?” Balthazar asked. 

“No. But I haven't exactly left the house, either. I know I'm supposed to have, but I didn't. I got too freaked out.” 

“So you haven't left the house, and you haven't seen him again. Do you think this could mean that he truly is real, then, and not a figment of your mind, as you seem to believe him to be? If he was simply your mind playing tricks on you, I think he'd show up even if you stayed home, what do you think?” 

Castiel's shoulders sagged. “I don't know what to think anymore. What you're saying makes sense. But nothing of what he said made any at all. I just don't know, Balthazar,” he said quietly. 

The doctor reached out a hand and rest it gently on Castiel's forearm. “Castiel,” he said softly. “Good things do happen, you know.” 

“Not usually to me,” Castiel replied, his eyes dropping to the desk. 

“Perhaps your luck is changing,” Balthazar said. Castiel detected a note of _something_ in the psychologist's voice, but he couldn't place exactly what it was. Something knowing, perhaps? Castiel shook his head. He was imagining things, he had to be. 

Just like he had to have been imagining Dean standing in front of him in the park. 

Right? 


	6. Chapter 6

It was a week after the first conversation with Dean that Castiel finally braved going to the park again. He couldn't seem to stop himself from glancing around nervously every few seconds, bringing some strange looks his way. He avoided the lake this time, opting instead to sit near the playground. He pulled out his sketchbook and began to draw the nearby fountain, finding comfort in the familiar brush of pencil against paper, and when nothing out of the ordinary happened he began to relax. After a couple of hours at the park, he stood up and began to walk home, feeling more at ease than he had at all the past week. He'd been walking for just a few minutes when he heard someone shouting his name behind him.

His heart dropped into his shoes.

“Cas...Castiel. Please.”

Castiel turned around. “You're not real. You can't be,” he said, when Dean caught up to him.

Dean reached forward slowly and brushed his fingers along Cas' forearm. “I'm real, Castiel, I swear it. And I'll explain everything, soon, if you'll give me a chance. Please. I promise, I don`t mean you any harm.”

Castiel eyed him carefully, but he couldn't detect any trace of a lie on Dean's face. His expression was so blatantly innocent that it almost hurt Cas to look at him. Castiel took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

“Do you want to get some coffee?” he asked.

A smile threatened to split Dean's face in two. “I love coffee.”

Castiel nodded. “I know a quiet little place over this way,” he gestured to his left and the two men started to walk, silence falling between them. Balthazar's words echoed in Castiel's mind. _Do you think he really could be real, then?_ It still felt impossible, and yet here he was, walking side by side with Dean towards his favourite coffee shop.

They talked for three hours. In that time, Castiel learned that Dean liked classic rock music and pie, he took his coffee black, and when he relaxed enough to let himself laugh he had an almost blinding smile. His voice was different than Cas remembered from his dreams – deeper, though he hadn't thought that was possible.

Castiel liked it.

It wasn't until his phone beeped loudly from his jacket pocket and he found a worried text message from Anna that he realised how long they'd been sitting there.

“Oh,” he said. “I should go. My sister is freaking out. I said I'd be home hours ago, and she's not really used to me leaving the house much at all. Reclusive artist and all that, you know,” he said, a small smile crossing his face.

Dean's face fell. “Oh, yeah, of course. Um, here,” he paused and pulled out a pen from his jacket pocket and a napkin from the table, scribbling down a series of numbers. “This is my cell number. You know...just in case.” Castiel could hear him take a deep breath as he slid the napkin across the table, and he smiled again before quickly punching the numbers into his phone.

“I'd like to see you again, Dean. I'm...sorry, for my behaviour before.”

Dean shook his head. “It's a weird situation. Thank you for giving me a chance.”

Castiel swallowed hard, speaking before he could rethink his decision. “If you're not busy, would you like to come to my apartment for dinner? My sister will be there, we're roommates, and we could watch a movie or something. Anna's making hamburgers, and she's physically incapable of cooking in small amounts so there's always too many, it'd be great to have the extra help eating - “

Castiel was cut off when Dean reached forward and tentatively rest a hand on top of Cas' forearm. “I'd like that, Cas. I don't have any plans. And I love burgers. Thanks.”

“Well, let's go then,” Castiel said, his heart starting to beat double-time as he stood up.

*****

“Anna?” Castiel called as he opened the door to the apartment. “I'm home...I'm sorry I'm so late.”

“Castiel James Novak where have you _been?_ You're never gone that long, I was - “ Anna stopped her tirade suddenly when she reached the front door and found Cas standing there with Dean. “You...it's...”

Castiel smiled at her a little awkwardly. “Anna...this is Dean.”

“Oh my god,” Anna said. “You're him. You're the guy. You're – jeez, Cas, you gotta work on your drawing. He's way hotter than you made him out to be.”

Castiel blushed a bright red. “And Dean, this would be my sister. Anna. We're twins although I think she likes to forget that sometimes.”

“It's very nice to meet you, Anna,” Dean said, shooting her a smile. Castiel's heart sank slightly. Of course he'd be interested in Anna – guys usually were. Objectively he knew his twin sister was beautiful. Her bright red hair was striking and she had an infectious smile. Though, after his dreams, Castiel had hoped that he'd possibly met a guy who wasn't straight for once.

“Anna, since you always make too much food, I asked Dean if he'd like to join us for dinner. He...enjoys burgers.”

Anna's grin widened. “Cas! I didn't know you had it in you. That's fantastic. Well, come on in, Dean, you guys are still just standing in the doorway, that's no good...can I get you anything?” she called over her shoulder as she walked back towards the kitchen again.

“I'm fine, thanks, Anna,” Dean said.

Castiel turned to Dean and smiled sheepishly. “Don't mind Anna. She worries about me too much.”

“She cares about you. It's nice to have someone like that, I imagine,” Dean said.

“Mostly,” Castiel said. “Though it gets overbearing sometimes. Surely your siblings care about you, as well?” he asked. Dean had mentioned while they were at the coffee shop that he had siblings, though he hadn't gone into much detail.

Dean's jaw clenched almost imperceptibly at the mention. “I suppose. In their way. We haven't gotten on for many years, though.” His voice was tense. “Anyway. You said something about movies?”

It was possibly the least smooth subject change Castiel had ever heard, which was saying something since he himself was not exactly known for his social skills. But he understood that Dean wasn't interested in pursuing the discussion and he let the subject drop. If all of this really was happening, and he wasn't absolutely cracking up, there'd be plenty of time for painful personal backstory later. He led Dean into the living room and they chose a DVD, settling down next to one another on the couch to watch it. Anna came in a few minutes later with plates of burgers and salad before excusing herself, saying she had to make an important call while she had her dinner. Castiel was grateful for his sister's discretion.

Dean and Castiel ate in silence for several minutes, paying attention to their food and their movie. Before too long, Dean leaned forward and placed his plate on the coffee table in front of them.

“That was a great burger. Your sister is a good cook,” Dean said with a smile.

“She is. Better than me, that's for sure. You didn't like the salad, though?” Cas asked.

Dean grimaced visibly, clearly embarrassed. “Yeah...I mean, as far as salad goes it wasn't bad, I'm just...not really a vegetable person. I'm so sorry.”

Castiel chuckled. “Don't apologise. It's fine.” He set his own plate down next to Dean's and sat back again as the movie credits began to roll. He turned off the TV and turned towards Dean again.

“So, um...” he started, shifting uncomfortably as he realised he hadn't planned this far into the evening.

“This has been a lot of fun, Cas,” Dean said quietly. “Thank you for letting me spend time with you today.”

“It was my pleasure,” Castiel said, surprised when the truth of the statement registered with him. Dean smiled and leaned towards Castiel slowly. His lips were only a fraction of an inch away from Castiel's when Cas realised what was happening and scooted back quickly on the couch before standing up.

“Shit. I'm – I'm sorry, Cas. I just, I kind of thought...” Dean stammered.

Castiel shook his head. “It's...okay, Dean,” he said slowly. “But I can't. Not now. I hope you understand,” he said.

Dean swallowed hard. “Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry. I'll go.” His face looked crushed as he turned away from Castiel.

Taking a deep breath, Cas reached forward and placed his hand against the back of Dean's arm. Dean turned quickly to face him.

“Can I text you? Or call or something?” Castiel asked shyly. “I would like to see you again...I did have fun today, Dean, much to my surprise.”

Dean's face split into a wide grin. “Yeah, yeah, of course!” he said. Castiel couldn't stop himself from smiling at the look of happiness on Dean's face.

“So...I'll see you sometime soon, then?” Dean asked.

Castiel nodded. “Soon. I promise.” Dean reached forward and ran his hand lightly along Castiel's arm before turning to leave the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him. When the door was closed, Castiel leaned back against it, a wide smile spread across his face and a giggle – of all things a _giggle,_ Castiel couldn't believe it – threatening to bubble out of his throat. As he stood there, trying to maintain his self control, Anna came out of her bedroom.

“Okay, kiddo. Details. Now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry that this has taken so long to be updated you guys. I've had a whole mess of things going on IRL and it's just really stopped me from writing. I'm hoping against hope that I'll be back at it regularly now.


	7. Chapter 7

Four days had passed before Castiel found the courage to call Dean. Despite the fun they had had the last time they'd been together, and despite the fact that he felt drawn to the other man, there was still a strong sense of discomfort that he couldn't seem to place, as though something was still not quite right. 

When he finally steeled himself to dial Dean's number, he had to retype the numbers three times due to his shaking fingers. He nearly hung up when he heard the ringing in his ear, but just as he was about to chicken out and press the button, a familiar low voice came across the line. 

_“Hello?”_

Castiel's heartbeat increased. “Dean. Hi. It's, um, it's Castiel.” 

_“Cas! Hey! It's good to hear from you, man.”_

“I'm sorry for my delay in calling,” Cas started. 

_“Nah, don't worry about it. What's up?”_

“Well...I was wondering if you were still wanting to see me again...” Castiel said hesitantly.

_“Yeah! Of course. Today? When's good for you?”_

“Today? Wow...I mean, I guess I could...oh, wait,” he said, his voice sinking. “I can't today. I have...an appointment,” he said, settling on vagueness since he was not sure how Dean would react to his weekly psychiatrist appointments. “Are you free tomorrow?”

 _“I'm free whenever. It's supposed to be nice tomorrow, want to meet by the lake at the park?”_ Dean asked. 

Castiel couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. “Okay. Ten?” They finalised their plans and hung up the phone. Just as he did, Anna came in. 

“Cas, are you okay to get to your appointment on your own? I got called in to work and I could really use the extra shift...what are you so happy about?” she asked, changing the subject abruptly and sending her twin a knowing smile. 

“Yeah, I'll be fine to get to Balthazar's office on my own, Anna, don't worry about me. And I'm just happy, is that a problem?” 

“Oh no, no problem, you're just...not usually quite this happy. Especially on Therapy Day,” she replied. 

Castiel blushed. “I might have just made plans to see Dean again,” he said slowly. Anna dashed the two steps to cross the space between them and wrapped her arms tightly around her brother. 

“That's great, Cas,” she said. “Hey, I guess since you actually know he's real, you won't have to see Balthazar anymore, huh?” 

Castiel shrugged. “I'm going to tell Balthazar about everything today...i guess we'll see what he says. It'd be nice to have to not go anymore, honestly, although I'm still feeling a little uncertain about a few things.” He stopped talking suddenly, unsure where the admission had come from since he had been refraining from mentioning his lingering uncertainty to his sister too extensively. 

Anna glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. “Are you okay? I've gotta run to work.”

Castiel nodded. “A little uncertainty doesn't make me not okay, Anna. I'm fine. Go. Work. Bring home the ham. Or whatever,” he said, knowing he'd bungled the phrase but unable to remember how it actually went. 

“Bacon, Cas. Bring home the bacon,” Anna said, laughing. 

“Whatever, Anna. Go. Get out of here,” Cas replied, smiling. 

“See you tonight?” Anna asked. 

“Yeah. I'll make dinner.” 

“You're a saint. Love you!” 

“Love you too, Anna,” Castiel said to his sister's retreating back, watching as she pulled her bright red hair into a loose bun while she walked. 

*****

“Castiel!” Balthazar said cheerfully as Cas took a seat across from him. “And how are we doing today?” 

“Hello, Balthazar,” Castiel said in his usual solemn tone. Unusually, however, he was shifting around and fidgeting in his seat, something Balthazar could hardly fail to notice. 

“Is everything alright, Cas?” 

Castiel looked up at him. “I've been spending time with him. With Dean.” Balthazar raised an eyebrow, encouraging Cas to continue. “It was only once. He...we ran into each other at the park, and I tried to leave but he asked me to wait. We got coffee and then he came to Anna's and my apartment for dinner. He tried to kiss me but I asked him to stop. I...I have his number, and we're going to see each other again, tomorrow.” The words spilled from Castiel in a flood that surprised both men. 

“Is that so?” Balthazar asked. “Why did you try to leave when you saw him at the park?” 

“I was afraid. I still didn't believe he was real.” 

“And now?”  
“Well, he's certainly real...as to the fear, well, that's still there. I mean, I was dreaming about him long before I met him. That's weird, right? Even if he's not a ghost or something totally out there like that, that's weird.” Castiel looked down at his hands, still fidgeting in his lap. “But he's very kind. He was patient with me. And he didn't get upset when I told him I didn't want him to kiss me.” 

“Yes, why is that, Castiel? I know you'd mentioned your interest in him in your dreams in one of our previous sessions.” 

Castiel flushed. “I don't know. I guess it's just...because I still don't really know him. I don't know where he came from. I don't know who or what he is...I'm certain he's keeping something from me, I just don't know what.” He took a deep breath as he contemplated his next words. “I want to trust him. He's beautiful, and kind, and he has a nice smile. He didn't seem to even mind it when Anna was obviously trying to shove us together.” 

Balthazar nodded. “May I offer a suggestion?” 

Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Uh, that is why I'm here, isn't it? Therapy, and all that?” 

“Touche,” Balthazar said with a chuckle. “Anyways, Cas. You say that you want to trust him, and that he's been kind to you in your minimal interactions, yes?” Castiel simply nodded in response. “Then my advice to you is to take a chance. You are afraid, I can see that, and given your experience, that's understandable. But you won't know if your fear is founded unless you take a chance. Spend time with him. I'm not saying run off and get married. But if your heart tells you that you want something...don't let fear be what stops you.” 

Castiel looked down at his hands again, still fidgeting. “You think I'm missing out on things,” he said matter-of-factly. Balthazar simply looked at him. “I've always been introverted. I'm...not good with people. I'm too blunt, Anna tells me that, and I don't really watch a lot of TV so I miss a lot of popular references. It's why I love my art so much...I can't offend a painting. But I mean...I'm almost thirty and I've dated two people. And nobody in the past four years,” he paused for a minute before adding quietly, “I'm lonely. But I'm also afraid.” 

Balthazar leaned forward. “Take a chance, Castiel. Do it for yourself. You're worth it.” Castiel took a deep breath and swallowed hard as he lifted his head to meet Balthazar's encouraging gaze. 

*****

Castiel stood at the lakeside, tossing pebbles into the water as he thought about what Balthazar had said the day before. A small smile came to his lips as his thoughts drifted to Dean, about the freckles that dusted his cheeks and the way his eyes lit up when he was laughing at something Cas had said. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear footsteps behind him, and he jumped when he heard his name. 

“Dean!” He exclaimed as he spun around. 

“Hey,” Dean said, chuckling. “Sorry, Cas. I didn't mean to startle you.” 

Castiel blushed. “No, it's okay. I mean, I was just thinking. I wasn't paying attention. You didn't do anything.” Dean grinned and the two men stood there for a minute smiling at each other. Before he could let his rational brain stop him, Cas stepped forward and placed a hand on each of Dean's cheeks, tilting his head slightly upwards to kiss him firmly. He felt Dean tense slightly and dropped his hands instantly, stepping back. 

“Oh, god, I'm so sorry,” Castiel stammered. “I shouldn't have done that, I should have asked, I shouldn't have assumed, I -” 

“Cas,” Dean said quietly, reaching out to wrap his hand around Castiel's wrist so he couldn't move any further away. “Stop. C'mere.” He tugged lightly on the wrist he was holding and Cas stepped forward reluctantly. “I was just surprised, is all. It's okay, I promise,” he said. He slid his free hand around Castiel's waist and leaned forward to kiss him, smiling against Cas' lips when he felt the other man go instantly pliant in his arms. Castiel slid one hand up Dean's chest before wrapping his arms loosely around his neck. They kissed slowly and easily for several minutes before stepping apart, smiling bashfully at one another. 

“So...now what?” Dean asked. Castiel stared at him for a second before they both started laughing hysterically. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for being so patient with me as I valiantly attempted to get this chapter done. Real Life certainly does like to get in the way. THANKFULLY, I am now down to a mere ONE CLASS at school, and only until the first week of August...so that is one MAJOR stressor off my plate and I should have a lot more writing time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning to update this weekly. I already have quite a bit of it written. I haven't written anything quite like this before so any feedback is hugely appreciated!


End file.
